If You Sleep
by Jamieson Zed
Summary: Takes place directly after Redemption, Liam deals with a devastating blow.


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Title: If You Sleep

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Author: Jamieson

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Spoilers: Major ones for Redemption…a minor for Atavus…think that's about it.

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Author's Notes: This idea came to me while I was going through my music collection and found my Tal Bachman CD. I wrote it on the way to and back from a trip to Halifax…25 hours there and 22 hours back on a bus…let's just say I was a little bored! I should also point out that a few of my facts, like names, may be inaccurate. I don't think they are, but I haven't seen Redemption in awhile, so I'm hoping I didn't goof up on anything. Also, the 'procedure' I mentioned is all my imagination.

One other thing…I proof-read and beta my own stories, so all mistakes are mine.

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Warning: This is not a happy story. There *is* minor character death. You've been forewarned.

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Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, I'm merely borrowing them for a short period of time. All E:FC references belong to Tribune, Roddenberry, et all. "If You Sleep" by Tal Bachman does not belong to me, lyrics used without permission. Also, lines from "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost are not mine, and used without permission. Okay, think I covered all my bases….

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Part One

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Figure of divine perfection

No one's loved with more affection

Soul to soul we've breathed

Oh, I won't let The Fates succeed

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FBI Agent Ronald Sandoval stared down into the cavern, the blood draining from his face. His eyes moved from Agent Siobhan Beckett's body to lock with those of the young man crouched beside her, holding her off the rocky ground. After a few moments he pulled himself out of the trance, scrambled down the rocks, and went to take Beckett from the other man's arms.

Major Liam Kincaid had turned back to stare at his mother when Sandoval had broke eye contact, but looked up once more when he felt a presence beside him. Still dazed from the emotional overload of watching his mother die, Liam slowly let go of Beckett and simply stared off into space. It took him a few moments to realize Sandoval was calling his name.

"Major…Major. Major!" Liam snapped his head up, noticing Sandoval had stood up and was now at the bottom of the rock pile he had previously climbed down. "Run up and tell my pilot to prep the shuttle." Liam was about to ask why when Sandoval cut him off. "There's still a chance we can save her. GO!"

Sandoval's last comment finally cut through to Liam, who jumped up and ran past his mother and unknowing father. He scrambled up the rocks and out of the cavern opening, which lead to a very cramped, rocky tunnel. He ran as fast as he could towards the literal light at the end of the tunnel.

o0o

Finally emerging outside, Liam's face and hands were covered in bloody cuts, scrapes, and bruises. When Sandoval had come down the tunnel before he'd been hurrying, yet had still been cautious to manoeuvre around the jutting rocks, something Liam paid no attention to. Spotting the parked shuttle, he ran towards it, looking for the pilot.

"Can I help you?" came a slightly annoyed voice from behind him.

Liam whirled around, acknowledging the Volunteer. "Prep your shuttle for launch," he ordered, breathless.

The pilot took in his superior's appearance, incredulous. "On whose orders?"

Liam sighed, still attempting to catch his breath. "Sandoval's," he answered, trying to hurry the man up.

"I'm sorry sir, but I have specific instructions not to take orders from anyone but Agent Sandoval himself."

Liam lost it. The emotional turmoil inside his head erupted. He grabbed the pilot by the front of his uniform and shoved him up against the shuttle wall. He towered over the shorter man; his normally stormy eyes full of fire. "These ARE his orders, Volunteer!"

The pilot stared up, scared. He knew Major Kincaid's reputation, and this certainly wasn't it. The eyes that were full of fury seemed to be searching for a target, and the pilot certainly did not want to become one. "Y-yes sir," he managed.

Liam slowly let go of the pilot and stepped back. Satisfied when he saw the man scramble into the pilot's seat and begin the pre-flight sequence, Liam turned and ran back to the entrance to the caves.

o0o

Sandoval was just approaching the entrance when Liam appeared; he handed Beckett's body to him to make it through the narrow opening, and together they ran with Beckett between them to the shuttle. Once inside, Sandoval lay Beckett on the floor of the shuttle and began CPR. 

"Major, get your shuttle and meet us at the Dublin Military Hospital. Johnson," he addressed the pilot, "Take us up now!"

With that the shuttle took off, quickly entering inter-dimensional. Liam wasted no time running back to his own shuttle, which, unfortunately, was a good climb up the rock face of the cave network.

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Part Two

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Worried hours of contemplation

Whispered bits of conversation

Unaffected orderlies

Disinfected rooms and hallways

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Moving so fast it could barely be classified as walking, Liam approached the front desk of the Dublin Military Hospital emergency room.

"Excuse me," he addressed the woman behind the desk. "I --"

Before he could go on, she spoke, her Irish accent apparent. "I'ma sorry sir," she began, taking in his dishevelled and injured appearance. "If yull tak'a seat the doc will be wit ya soon." She walked off before Liam could say anything else.

Liam surveyed the area. There were a few people sitting and waiting but none appeared injured, most likely visiting. But other than that the place was empty. He started walking, hoping to find Sandoval, and walked right into a nurse who had turned the corner. 

"Sorry," he rushed. "I'm looking for --"

"You should have those looked at." Interrupted again. Liam noticed this nurse seemed to lack an accent.

"I'm fine. I need to find out what happened to my m…colleague," he replied, chastising himself for almost slipping.

The nurse looked into his eyes and sighed, noticing the frantic concern. She walked to a computer behind the desk. "What's the patient's name?"

"Siobhan Beckett."

The nurse peered at the screen for a few long moments, allowing Liam's anxiety to climb to new levels. Finally, she brought her head up. "She's in surgery now, should be for another few hours. In the meantime, you should be seen to by the doctor." Liam paled, eyes wide; the nurse thought he might end up fainting. "Are you alright?"

It took a couple tries to get his voice to work. "S-s-she's alive?"

Realization dawned on the nurse, and she took another look at the file. "Yes. When she arrived she had been clinically dead for approximately ten minutes, but the emergency physicians were able to revive her using Bio-Mimicry. She was taken to Surgery a few minutes ago to remove the damaged CVI, using an experimental procedure." Liam gave a shuddered sigh…there was hope. 

"Please sir," the nurse began, moving to his side. "Allow us to clean you up and get the doctor to take a look at your injuries."

Liam didn't say anything, just nodded slightly, allowing the nurse to lead him down the hall and into an empty room.

o0o

The Surgery waiting room was completely silent. Sandoval and Liam sat on opposite sides of the small room, Liam with his head bowed and Sandoval constantly checking his pocket-watch every five minutes. According to the watch, it had been exactly four hours, forty-seven minutes since Beckett had been wheeled past the double doors. 

Liam had quickly seen the doctor, been given a couple stitches for one nasty gash on his forehead, and instructed to take antibiotics to prevent infection in his other many cuts and scrapes. In Sandoval's opinion, the young man looked like he had just brawled with a meat grinder. 

The only time either of them spoke was to acknowledge Dr. Belman when she'd been brought in to assist in the removal of Beckett's CVI. Apparently she had been working on a new experimental procedure to remove a malfunctioning CIV…it had been passing simulation tests with flying colours. 

A couple times an nurse or orderly would pass through the room, but would not even acknowledge them, let alone give them any information; the two of them were in the dark about the condition of the woman they both cared deeply for, albeit in different ways.

Finally, fifteen minutes later, Dr. Belman and Dr. Jonathan Connell, another CVI specialist, walked in, their faces grave. They both jumped up, but neither Sandoval nor Liam spoke, afraid that if they asked the pressing question their answer would not be what they wanted. Belman broke the silence.

"As you both know, Agent Beckett's CVI broke down, causing her brain to shut down and her entire organ system to fail. Luckily, you brought her in quickly enough that the emergency physicians were able to revive her heart, allowing her to stabilize enough to attempt an experimental procedure to remove the damaged CVI. We were successful in removing the technology, and there was a possibility Beckett could have made a complete recovery, however…." She trailed off, not sure how to proceed. She felt sorry for them…even Sandoval, but Liam…. She didn't know how he'd respond to the rest of the report…. Actually, she did, she knew how the Resistance had altered Beckett's CVI after Liam's birth, and there was a very good chance that was what had caused the irreparable damage. He'd blame himself, and she didn't think she could be the one to tell him.

Connell spoke up, noticing Belman's silence. "However, just before the CVI shut down completely, there was a circuit overload that sent a surge through her brain, completey disconnecting the synapses and erasing their pathways. I regret to inform you that Agent Beckett is essentially brain dead, with a zero percent chance of recovery, even with Taelon science."

Sandoval breathed in deeply, relying on his own CVI to handle his emotions right now. Unfortunately, Liam didn't have that luxury. The news hit him like a train wreck, his brain immediately making the connections from the information Dr. Connell was giving them and his own knowledge of what happened in the cavern. He slowly sat back down, fighting his emotions…he'd never fought as hard in his whole short life than he did at that moment.

Belman could see the anguish in Liam's eyes, and though she cared deeply for him, she couldn't show it. Instead, she dropped the other bombshell. "When Agent Beckett joined the military she signed a DNR, a Do Not Resuscitate order. With no chance of recovery, by law we must turn off the ventilator and heart machine. If you want to see her, now is the time."

Both men nodded and followed Connell into a side-room in Recovery. Sandoval immediately pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed, taking Beckett's hand in his, not caring what anyone saw at that moment. Liam, on the other hand, could only stand at the back of the room. Even in his anguished state, the lesson that had been drilled into him not to show any uncharacteristic behaviour was present. To anyone else but Belman, who knew the truth, Liam had only met Beckett a few months ago, and had had limited contact with her since then. He didn't had a legitimate reason to show emotion, unlike Sandoval who had been thought to be at least a friend of hers.

After a few more minutes, Sandoval stood up and nodded to Connell, who slowly moved to the various machines surrounding the bed, turning them off one by one. When he powered down the final one, Liam quietly slipped from the room and left as quick as he could. Meanwhile Sandoval continued to stare at her prone form.

Connell reached down and felt for a pulse. A minute later he looked up at the clock above the door. "Time of death, 22:33."

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Part 3

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And if you sleep, you sleep with God

And if I cry, it's for my heart

Why should I hope to make it through?

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

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Liam opened the door to his apartment, slowly walking in, his steps steady and measured. Eyes staring into space, he walked straight to his couch, relying on memory to get him there. Bumping into it, he slowly sat down, his mind and body numb. 

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"Beckett could have made a complete recovery, however…."

"However, just before the CVI shut down completely, there was a circuit overload that sent a surge through her brain, completey disconnecting the synapses and erasing their pathways."

It was his fault. If he hadn't been so selfish, so desperate to tell her who he was, what she meant to him, she could be alive. He killed her. He, Liam Kincaid…Liam Beckett…Liam Sandoval…whoever the hell he was, had killed his own mother. He'd never be able to forgive himself for that, and he didn't want to. 

But there was one way to make it right; one way to make all his pain go away…and to punish himself. He could be with her again; have the life he never got to have, be the child he never got to be. His decision was made. Ignoring the pounding coming from his door, he raised his hands, very much like the last time, and activated the energy stored within his body.

o0o

"He's not answering," Lili was saying. "Will you hurry up with that thing?" 

"Just a second," Augur answered, working on the automatic door alarm to Liam's apartment. They'd received a call from a distressed Dr. Belman, who'd noticed Liam leaving in his shuttle as fast as he could. She'd informed them of what had gone on, and that Liam was in a very vulnerable state. "Got it," he announced, just as the door swung open.

They scanned the room, noticing Liam on the couch. Lili wasn't sure what was going on, but Augur had seen it before.

"Liam, don't!" he yelled, running forward and pulling Liam's hands, glowing with energy from his shaqarava, away from his head. Lili followed suit and helped Augur subdue Liam.

Liam barely fought back, instead his emotions just spewed forth, like popping the cork off a bottle of champagne. He started sobbing uncontrollably, leaning forward on his knees. It took them a few seconds to react, but both Augur and Lili sat down on either side of him and put their arms around him, comforting him. His surrogate parents.

"Calm down, kid, everything will be okay," Augur soothed quietly. Liam didn't say anything back, but he shook his head.

"God, Liam," Lili began. It pained her to no end to see him like this. "It's not your fault…it's not. You didn't know about the procedure…you couldn't have…." He just kept shaking his head. 

The three of them sat like that for over an hour. Augur and Lili kept repeating soothing words over and over, trying to calm him down, while Liam just kept sobbing. Finally, emotionally spent, he fell asleep.

o0o

Lili and Augur were sitting at Liam's small kitchen table drinking coffee when they heard Liam moving around on the couch. Glancing over, they noticed him slowly sit up and rushed over, taking up their previous positions.

"Liam?" Lili asked, not sure what exactly to say.

Liam blinked slowly, clearing his head. "I'm alright."

Augur looked at him quizzically. "You sure kid? I mean, a few hours ago…."

He nodded. "Yeah. Look, I'm sorry I put you through that, I was just…."

Lili shook her head in understanding, giving him a hug. "We understand. Just promise you won't try that again."

Liam nodded again, taking a slightly shuddered breath. "I promise." Liam paused before going on, unsure how to explain his change of heart. "I…I had a dream. More of a memory, I guess…. My mother…when the CVI control broke, she…she told me to fight them, to promise her that I wouldn't let the Taelons turn the planet into a killing field. And I…can't…break it." He took in another shuddered breath.

Lili and Augur looked at each other, not sure what to say. They didn't want to leave, still uncertain about Liam's state of mind, but aware that he needed to deal on his own, in his own way. Finally, Lili spoke up. "Liam, we're gonna go, you need to get some more sleep. And remember your promise…both of them." Liam nodded and watched as Augur and Lili exited the apartment. He stood up and made his way to the stairs.

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Part 4

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Jagged thorns and pretty petals

Butterflies and stinging nettles

Sunny days and nights of blackness

But where's the joy to cure my sadness?

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It had been two days since Liam learned the news of his mother's death…and the cause…. He was feeling a little better, but he knew it would take a long time to get over it.

Paying the cab driver enough for about ten minutes, he got outside, grabbing the box that was beside him, and walked up to the front door of the small house. Knocking, he waited for an answer, thinking of what he was going to say.

A moment later the door opened, revealing an older woman. "There somethin' I can do fer ya, lad?" she asked, her Irish accent adding a melodic quality to her voice.

He didn't need a name to know who this was, this woman was embedded deep in the memories received from his mother. "My name is Major Liam Kincaid. I, uh, was a colleague of your daughters'," he replied. _And I'm your grandson_, he thought. 

The woman's eyes dropped slightly, a look of pain crossing her face. "Please come in sir, I am Sinead Beckett," she introduced herself. Liam walked in, taking in the oddly familiar appearance of the house. A man walked up to them. "This is my husband, Patrick." She turned to her husband, introducing Liam.

Liam and Patrick shook hands. "A pleasure to meet you," Liam greeted, attempting to smile. His eyes remained pained.

The man nodded. "I wish it t'were under better circumstances. Take a seat," he gestured to a chair behind Liam.

Liam sighed. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay. I have to get back to work. But I wanted to give you these," he replied, handing over the box he was carrying. "They're Siobhan's things from her office at the UK embassy. I thought I'd deliver them personally."

Sinead glanced at the box, a tear rolling down her cheek. "We thank you," she answered.

Attempting to avoid an awkward silence, Liam said, "I really should be going." 

"Yull be at the funeral, won't ya lad?" Sinead asked.

Liam nodded. "Of course. I'll see you then."

He turned to leave when Patrick called his name. "Liam Kincaid, you said yer name was?" he asked, emphasizing _Kincaid_. Liam nodded. The older man smiled slightly. "Siobhan mentioned ya. She said she thought of ya as her friend."

Liam smiled genuinely, eyes gleaming from unshed tears. "Thank you." With that, he turned and walked out of the house, leaving the couple to mourn in peace.

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Part 5

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Gleaming cars and covered faces

Teary eyes in hallowed places

Grass and granite stone

No one's been more all alone

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"Aim, fire!" the drill sergeant repeated. The last seven shots rang off for a total of twenty-one. The funeral was drawing to a close as the casket was lowered into the ground. As people began filing past, placing flowers in the grave, Liam struggled to hold in his emotions yet again. It seemed as though, on the most painful days of his life, he had to act as though it didn't faze him. But it did, a lot. 

He joined the end of the line, waiting until most everyone was gone before leaving his own flowers - a multicoloured arrangement of about seven different varieties…his mother's favorite. The only others like it had been left by her own parents. 

Liam wandered around the cemetery for a couple hours, making certain everyone was gone, before walking back to the grave. He needed to be alone; he needed to allow his emotional side access this one time. Sitting down in front of the newly placed plaque, he closed his eyes at the sight of her name. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He'd had fantasies ever since he was born that one day he could have a real relationship with his mother, not just a few words here and there that she could interpret as intended toward someone else.

He didn't say anything; he just closed his eyes, meditating. Hoping to come to terms with the fact that he would never get to know his mother. That thought broke his concentration, and he let out a short, bitter laugh. Of course, if he tried hard enough to access his memories, he could know everything about her up to the moment of his birth. But that wasn't the kind of knowledge he wanted. He wanted to acquire that knowledge through means of bonding and spending time with her. How ironic. He knew now that that would never happen, but he was beginning to accept it.

The wind picked up, bring a cool breeze with it. He knew he should get going, and he also realized that the more rest and relaxation he got that night would help him maintain the guise of the unaffected soldier when he returned to work the next day. Oh, how he would thank Da'an tomorrow for allowing him this day off. Standing up, Liam said his goodbyes and walked away.

***********

Epilogue

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He arrived home early, relatively speaking. It was around 16:00 in Ireland. However, in Washington, it was only 13:00; too early to sleep. But he didn't care. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and all he wanted right now was his bed.

He slowly climbed the narrow staircase to his loft bedroom, slumping down on his bed. He reached over to turn on a small clock-radio on his side table, his brain working on automatic. Grimacing as the announcers' voice blared, he quickly turned the volume down to a more reasonable level.

"And we'll wrap up today's show with one more," the announcer was saying. "Here's If You Sleep, Tal Bachman. You're listening to the Nineties Noon-hour, KKBL-103." The announcer's voice faded as the song began. Liam recognized it immediately…his mother had been a Bachman fan. _How fitting,_ he thought sarcastically. _In more ways than one._ Despite his thoughts, he listened closely.

~

Figure of divine perfection

No one's loved with more affection

Soul to soul we've breathed

Oh, I won't let The Fates succeed

Worried hours of contemplation

Whispered bits of conversation

Unaffected orderlies

Disinfected rooms and hallways

And if you sleep, you sleep with God

And if I cry, it's for my heart

Why should I hope to make it through?

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

Jagged thorns and pretty petals

Butterflies and stinging nettles

Sunny days and nights of blackness

But where's the joy to cure my sadness?

And if you sleep, you sleep with God

And if I cry, it's for my heart

Why should I hope to make it through?

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

Gleaming cars and covered faces

Teary eyes in hallowed places

Grass and granite stone

No one's been more all alone

And if you sleep, you sleep with God

And if I cry, it's for my heart

Why should I hope to make it through?

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

Why should I hope to make it through?

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too

~

Liam turned down the volume as the song ended and a commercial came on. Slowly unclasping his global from his pants, he popped it open, pulling up an image. It was a picture of Siobhan Beckett, from her military file; he'd downloaded it shortly after his first real encounter with her. Unlike most identification photos, this one was really quite beautiful; Beckett's red hair had been pulled back in a stylish fashion and she had the slightest hint of a smile on her face. He loved that picture.

__

You're sleeping now, he thought, looking at the picture. _I wish I could sleep, that I could join you, be with you. But like Frost said: "I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."_ He sighed. _One of those promises is to you. And I swear on your memory that I will not give up._

Yawning, Liam realized just how worn out he really was. He took one last look at the global image before closing it and placing it on the nearby table. Turning off the lamp, not caring about the sunlight creeping in through the window, he closed his eyes, attempting to sleep. His last thoughts before he drifted off, _I promise you…and I love you._

~End~


End file.
